ah sunshine..

I love sunshine. It makes everything so much better. I had a good day. I guess. So ya it was sunny today and yesterday, so gorgeous plus 8-9 degrees! That's nice for NS. Hah
I finished my driving hours for drivers eddddd yaaaaaa , I hate that fat man.. Ew. Lol
Greys anatomy tonight.. Life is complete. Well jk, but I love greys.
I apologize for my horribly depressing post tuesday, bad day..
From a food point of view.. Three meals today ! Oh yeah, your jealous. Baha probably not. Um I'm exhausted and can hardly write this because I'm trying to fall asleep. My brain is deeead. Four hours of homework and four hours at the barn yesterday..ask I am tired. ):
I bought a memory foam pillow. Lol, whenever I have money I always neeeed to spend it. Obsessive shoe addiction.
Dance team tomorrow wooot. But yes, I was gonna join ballet but I can't commit, plus I feel guilty asking for the time off.
That was the most annoyingly pointless entry I've ever written, please forgive me (:
And sorry about tuesday.
Xo btb

i want to die..

I am worth nothing but death. Fuck. I hate living. I hate food. I hate everything. I missed my bus this morning, didn't go to school. Haven't done any work. Snooped around the house looking for hidden meds and razors..success..tylenol 3 and the hidden stash. Oh well at least I can look forward to that. Spent a half hour laying on the floor of the bathroom trying not to get blood on myself.. Fuck I'm such a useless whore. I found this letter that my mom must have written in december when I wasn't doing so hot..it basicly says congrats, I don't care about you anymore. I'm taking away everything that matters, and I don't care anymore. FUCK HER. I never wanted this to be her problem. I don't even want it to be anyones problem but my own. I got myself into this mess, now I have to deal with it, when I feel like it. And today I don't feel like it. Today I want to sit here on my phone, then on the computer then purge and then sleep and hopefully never wake up. Fuck life. Stupid life. I have no hopes of attaining anything. I'm just gonna fail and fail some more. I'm going to purge. Screw recovery..
Peace

is it worth it to die a little each day ?

Sometimes I think yes, its more then worth it..
I'm sitting here on the bus jammin' to Our Lady Peace, thinking. As per usual getting myself in to deep. I finally have a meal plan..not from a dietitian so its not healthy. Cals maxing out at 500 on some days. Plus my exercise I'm hoping to see results.
I miss purging. Like a lot. I miss no one noticing, no one giving a fuck. And now they all do..or atleast pretend to. Because I know they don't. Why would they ? There's not much to like. Let alone care about. Schools a hoe. So much fucking work. I would be better off dropping out and becoming a homeless person on the streets of halifax. I have to do my homework for the ed clinic.. Meeeeeeeh stupid. I also have to find a way to convince my mom to let me make my own suppers so I can't be in control of the cals. That should be interesting.
You know what ? Maybe I don't even have an ed. Maybe I'm just a fat fucking failure ? When I leave the clinic they're probably all like 'she's to fat, she doesn't even have an ed she's just fucked.' I'm such a loser. I bet I'm the fattest person they see. Actually I promise you I am. I'm so disgusting. Worthy of nothing.
I've eaten an apple today.. And some tea, I tried forcing myself to drink coffee but I almost threw up. I wanna binge and purge until my throat breaks into a million pieces and my insides spill from my mouth. I want to be empty and pure and worth something. Puft. That'll never happen. I'm such a nobody. I wanna quit life :/

how long will this take ? how much can i get through?

Soooooo, another long stupid day. School tomorrow..faaack. I hate school. Stupid math. I have no clue why I took advanced math ? Urg. But ya I have an exercise plan all made up and a food plan! Thanks to my bestest friend ! Frig I have no clue what I'd do without you Felicia! I've worked 13 days straight..blah so tired. I am more than tired. Must sleep. Wow this is the lamest entry eveeeer. I'm watching criminal minds! Woot best show ever..next to greys anatomy that is. I should probably fill out food records for the stupid ed unit. I hate food. Food is a stupid fuck. I am a stupid fuck. I'm so fat and ugly and gross. Obesefatuglycow. My brain is so screwed. I'm basically torn between what I want to do, what I need to do, what I should do and what everyone else wants me to do. Stuuuupid. This is what's in my head. Its crazy.. Life. What I should do. Ed. Recovery. Quit riding next year so I can be in ed. Stop seeing tara? Keep seeing her? Exercise? Buy diet pills? Take the diuretics? Get a scale? Just be healthy? Live on the rollar coster? Take 3 zoloft? Take 100 zoloft? Eat breakfast? Do laundry? Have a shower? Do homework? Sleep? Cut? Cry? Laugh? Write? Draw? Scream? Like honestly its a wonder I'm still alive. Shouldda done it last year when I had the chance. There's so many things I regret in life..telling my 'rents about ed..getting treatment..not taking the valium..not cutting that vien..going to the ER for those tylenol..I'm such a fail at life. Why do I bother ?
Xo, fatuglyloser

welcoming myself..laaaame,

Look at me being a blogger. How precious. So yes, I'm taking another stab at the blogging attempt. Better make it interesting. Mostly this will be about my eating disorder and recovery..I guess. More like my struggles with recovery. It'll be a place to rant, rave and cry. Yup I did just say that, I'm anticipating feelings ? Ew. Enough of that boring nonsense, its time for some info about me..which isn't any more exciting. Ed for 4 years, bulimia, mainly. I've been in treatment for a 15 months, was hospitalized for 3 weeks last year. Recovery sucks. Its stupid and hard. I also have depression. That sucks to. Uh, that's about it. I'm really not even slightly exciting..but hey my life might provide some entertainment.
Xo, btb