is it worth it to die a little each day ?

Sometimes I think yes, its more then worth it..
I'm sitting here on the bus jammin' to Our Lady Peace, thinking. As per usual getting myself in to deep. I finally have a meal plan..not from a dietitian so its not healthy. Cals maxing out at 500 on some days. Plus my exercise I'm hoping to see results.
I miss purging. Like a lot. I miss no one noticing, no one giving a fuck. And now they all do..or atleast pretend to. Because I know they don't. Why would they ? There's not much to like. Let alone care about. Schools a hoe. So much fucking work. I would be better off dropping out and becoming a homeless person on the streets of halifax. I have to do my homework for the ed clinic.. Meeeeeeeh stupid. I also have to find a way to convince my mom to let me make my own suppers so I can't be in control of the cals. That should be interesting.
You know what ? Maybe I don't even have an ed. Maybe I'm just a fat fucking failure ? When I leave the clinic they're probably all like 'she's to fat, she doesn't even have an ed she's just fucked.' I'm such a loser. I bet I'm the fattest person they see. Actually I promise you I am. I'm so disgusting. Worthy of nothing.
I've eaten an apple today.. And some tea, I tried forcing myself to drink coffee but I almost threw up. I wanna binge and purge until my throat breaks into a million pieces and my insides spill from my mouth. I want to be empty and pure and worth something. Puft. That'll never happen. I'm such a nobody. I wanna quit life :/